I am an artist

Tonight is different among all nights. I have had a long day at work, my computer is acting slow, and my iPhone screen is still cracked. Nothing new, of course, but something about today is different to reflect on. It definitely has to do with my outlook on life. For some reason, I feel the need to write about it. I clear off my desk that I never use. Moving glass cups full of water that satisfied last weekend’s hangover, my Bible that I haven’t read for two weeks, and my pallet of paints…dried to crisp from last weekend’s painting of a naked ass of a woman. I look at those paintings and think “Those Fucking Suck. You could have done better. Drink next time you want to paint, so you can allow yourself to be more vulnerable…the artist you were meant to be… The artist I want to be.” The problem is…can I be that as I am?


Have you ever read the “Purpose Driven Life?” Well, in case you haven’t it deals with a man dying and realizing that the people he never thought about had the most impact in his life, and were all connected in some sort of way. Today I feel like that story is sort of parallel with mine.

This last weekend I watched the movie “The Vow” and didn’t like it. Although, something about it just lingers in my mind. The main character that Rachel McAdams plays is somewhat like me in a way. She goes to school to be this prestigious business-like person and realizes that there is more to life than what she has. She trades in all her things and sacrifices it for the things she deeply loves, but never really realized. She becomes an artist and finds a man that loves her for everything she is or has become. Channing Tatum plays this man, and boy is he sexy! He will do anything to fight for this woman and love her for all her imperfections. Aside from all the love, she does what she loves and doesn’t care who she is. She becomes vulnerable, in a sense I guess, and sees how happy she is not having to please people all the time. I love this and it reminds me of how my Grandpa would always say “God has a plan for you and everything happens for a reason.”

My family has been through a lot. Everyone’s family has been through a lot. I’m just finally realizing what my calling pertains to. It’s not about money, it’s not about fame, it’s not about being funny…it’s all about the game. Yes, life is a game. This is the point where I wish I knew more about poker because it would be perfect to explain in how life correlates with it. But no, the best game I know is “Go Fish.” You have a hand of cards…playing against other people. You ask if they have what you have. They either have it, or they don’t. The person with the most cards wins. People in life either have what you’re looking for or they don’t. So…you can take it…or you can leave it. Problem solved. Your choices all lead you to a path in life. It is truly a journey. You go through heartbreaks, happiness spells, realizations, and faults. It’s just crazy how living in one town can make you feel all of those in a matter of 6 years. It’s also crazy how the littlest things impact your life.

Isn’t it the truth when your parent’s say “You’ll understand when you are older?” As much as I tried to distant myself from my family when I was younger…I was more like them than I even knew myself. I tried to be this perfect virgin-like girl that did nothing wrong, when all along all I wanted to be was myself. But through experience and different friendships and love spells I learned to accept myself and take into account for what I was worth. Take into account my talents. And, take into account my girly-ness.

I am an artist. My feelings are expressed in my work. My love for things is expressed only at my most vulnerable times. My true self is really hard to express because the world is so judgmental and everyone has something bad to say about you. As hard as I try to be perfect…I never will be. I will never be the girl that I try to be. I’ll never be that perfect figured sorority girl, but that is ok. I’m fine with it now. I’m older…so I understand, just like my parents’ promised me. I am me, an artist, longing for change, adventure, excitement, vodka at the end of my work shifts, and love at the beginning and end of every day.