I am an artist

Tonight is different among all nights. I have had a long day at work, my computer is acting slow, and my iPhone screen is still cracked. Nothing new, of course, but something about today is different to reflect on. It definitely has to do with my outlook on life. For some reason, I feel the need to write about it. I clear off my desk that I never use. Moving glass cups full of water that satisfied last weekend’s hangover, my Bible that I haven’t read for two weeks, and my pallet of paints…dried to crisp from last weekend’s painting of a naked ass of a woman. I look at those paintings and think “Those Fucking Suck. You could have done better. Drink next time you want to paint, so you can allow yourself to be more vulnerable…the artist you were meant to be… The artist I want to be.” The problem is…can I be that as I am?


Have you ever read the “Purpose Driven Life?” Well, in case you haven’t it deals with a man dying and realizing that the people he never thought about had the most impact in his life, and were all connected in some sort of way. Today I feel like that story is sort of parallel with mine.

This last weekend I watched the movie “The Vow” and didn’t like it. Although, something about it just lingers in my mind. The main character that Rachel McAdams plays is somewhat like me in a way. She goes to school to be this prestigious business-like person and realizes that there is more to life than what she has. She trades in all her things and sacrifices it for the things she deeply loves, but never really realized. She becomes an artist and finds a man that loves her for everything she is or has become. Channing Tatum plays this man, and boy is he sexy! He will do anything to fight for this woman and love her for all her imperfections. Aside from all the love, she does what she loves and doesn’t care who she is. She becomes vulnerable, in a sense I guess, and sees how happy she is not having to please people all the time. I love this and it reminds me of how my Grandpa would always say “God has a plan for you and everything happens for a reason.”

My family has been through a lot. Everyone’s family has been through a lot. I’m just finally realizing what my calling pertains to. It’s not about money, it’s not about fame, it’s not about being funny…it’s all about the game. Yes, life is a game. This is the point where I wish I knew more about poker because it would be perfect to explain in how life correlates with it. But no, the best game I know is “Go Fish.” You have a hand of cards…playing against other people. You ask if they have what you have. They either have it, or they don’t. The person with the most cards wins. People in life either have what you’re looking for or they don’t. So…you can take it…or you can leave it. Problem solved. Your choices all lead you to a path in life. It is truly a journey. You go through heartbreaks, happiness spells, realizations, and faults. It’s just crazy how living in one town can make you feel all of those in a matter of 6 years. It’s also crazy how the littlest things impact your life.

Isn’t it the truth when your parent’s say “You’ll understand when you are older?” As much as I tried to distant myself from my family when I was younger…I was more like them than I even knew myself. I tried to be this perfect virgin-like girl that did nothing wrong, when all along all I wanted to be was myself. But through experience and different friendships and love spells I learned to accept myself and take into account for what I was worth. Take into account my talents. And, take into account my girly-ness.

I am an artist. My feelings are expressed in my work. My love for things is expressed only at my most vulnerable times. My true self is really hard to express because the world is so judgmental and everyone has something bad to say about you. As hard as I try to be perfect…I never will be. I will never be the girl that I try to be. I’ll never be that perfect figured sorority girl, but that is ok. I’m fine with it now. I’m older…so I understand, just like my parents’ promised me. I am me, an artist, longing for change, adventure, excitement, vodka at the end of my work shifts, and love at the beginning and end of every day.

::random thoughts from a random mind::

CLEARLY, it's been months since I've been able to write anything.  Sometimes you just don't know what to write....or just how to write it.  There are just so many things right now that I cannot complain about.


Can I just say that the feeling of being over someone that consumes your entire thoughts is one of the most uplifting feelings ever?!  I'm just referring to men in general.  My friends know that I fall easy and that I am better staying away from the bad ones at all costs.  The petti-stuff always seems to consume my mind...which is why I am a true believer that woman fall for assholes.  I don't know WHY THE HELL we do, but I do think a majority of us think that we can "change them." 


After my last person of interest...I have found out a lot about myself.  I think it takes a lot of strikes (more than 3) until someone is officially out of my game.  But I hope that it doesn't take that many times again to realize that someone is not right for me. 


I come from a Christian family and meeting someone that is very involved with their church can be intriguing.  I fell for it...as most would, and was also hurt many times by the same person.  He may or may not have known, because for some of us...just because we don't say or express how we feel doesn't necessarily mean that we don't feel it.  (This would be easier to write about, but I currently have Bonnie bothering me about her trip to LA....that will never happen).


I know he is a good person but he just may not be the right person for me.  I still think about him every day....even though he moved back home, but I know that I have to be strong just like every other girl has to and be proven that there IS someone else out there that is just as intriguing...and possibly better.


Thanks to Patti Stanger I have been able to be "happy" again with myself, because if you aren't happy with yourself then you will have a hard time making other people happy :)


Ok Ok....enough with the past...let's get on with the new!!!


Things have been going really good for me...except for school, but who cares about that.
After traveling to LA to visit some friends I feel like I've just come out of therapy or something...everything looks positive in my direction and I feel very happy right now.  I refuse to let the little things piss me off because there is so much to look forward to.  If all works out right I will be out of Lincoln, NE by August!!!!  Another thing is that I got the chance to do some photography for an aspiring actor while I was in LA and also did a photoshoot of my friends.  I don't know exactly what it is I want to do after graduation, but I really want to continue with my artistic abilities.  It's when I'm the happiest.  :)


My job seems to be going pretty well so far.  Family is on good terms.  So things are good...really good :)  I'm so thankful for the friends I have.  I am also thankful that I'm able to realize the important people in my life and am aware of the people who do nothing but create chaos and stress.  You don't really realize it until those people are gone!  I've been inspired by so many people lately and feel like something good is going to come out of all of this.  Hard work pays off, connections are a must, and doing what you love best makes for a loving person. 


I am truly inspired by one of my good friends, Josh.  He comes from a very driven family that is very close.  Josh has always been the type of person where (if it's in his way, he pushes it aside) because doing what's best for him in the longrun and looking out for his friends is what matters most.  He has a good heart, hard working, and listens...most men don't unfortunately LOL.  He always gets stuck with my excessive text messages, long phone calls for advice, irrelevant stories, and random antics.  I was lucky to meet him freshman year along with my other friends...and with a few ups and downs our friendship has become pretty strong.  Having a guy friend is totally different than having a girl as a friend, and even a boy friend.  I've never had someone like that in my life and my brother is nearly 13 years younger than me.  It's a good friendship that I wish everyone could have with someone.


As for Kelley....she is truly a one of a kind.  I met her through my neighbor freshman year of college. She was such a total bitch, but because she was so funny I played kiss ass to her because I knew we would be best friends.  I never get sick of her...although I bet she could say differently about me.  She always makes me laugh and it never gets old.


Oh and I just came up with the coolest idea for my next art project....it has to do with braille!


That's all

Runnin Rap

August 7 is the race
We'll be running half pace,
Thinkin' bout that shirt
and how we'll look in a miniskirt.

If I can get Kallyn's runnin' a go
She'll learn she won't need to smoke no mo!
Her lungs will start to crumble
and if she don't she fo so will a stumble!

We don't even know why we signed up
But we aint givn' up
These girls will be pantin' and a sweatin'
And NEVER AGAIN this we will be considerin'

We need more recruits
to help us have will in our runnin' suits
Anyone wanna join us?
Come on and jump on this runnin' bus!